Xavier School Insanity
by outlawstaar
Summary: New chapter up, with a third on the way to finish off the opening trillogy. Please read and review, even though the real story has barely even begun...
1. The obligatory setup story

Disclaimer: Grant Morrison kicks so much ass that if I even had the wayward tangential thought that for some reason I actually owned New X-Men my ass would be struck with such force that I'd be cut quite cleanly in half. So, uh, yeah… these characters don't belong to me.  
  
Xavier School Insanity  
  
Chapter One: The obligatory setup story  
  
Jean sat up in bed and reflected upon the new state the school was in. She looked back upon it as a fairly positive turn of events. Sure, the school had been exposed to the public, and invited all kinds of lovely protestors to march right on their front gates. And sure, the school had been attacked by fanatics who wanted to use them for parts, Shi'ar Super Guardians, and a psychic entity that had wiped out half of the world's mutant population, but that was all beside them now. The reporters who just happened to be on the scene of the final two attacks were very supportive of their plight. Most importantly, though, the Xavier Institute had finally returned to its roots, and was once again teaching the next generation of mutants to gain control over their powers and work towards peaceful human-mutant integration. Now, with over 150 students enrolled at the school, the X-Men were finally performing the task they were always meant to do.  
  
Unfortunately, the newfound exposure had brought upon a much unexpected problem. Whereas in the past the X-Men found their students by either fate or through individual recruitment, the now-public Institute was accepting applications, and they were coming in on the order of hundreds per week. Xavier may have owned a plot of land to put Disney Land to shame, but they certainly couldn't hope to manage any more than 300 students at a time, especially given their rather limited staff. So, Jean was forced to use her to scan each essay sent in to see if the applicants had the true desire, or more importantly the true need to learn to use their abilities. After months of going through application after application, Jean finally believed she had found the students she was looking for. Now came the hard part. She had to act as tour guide for over a hundred insecure mutants through a school filled with more than its share of weirdoes, even without their powers.  
  
She sat annoyed as she recalled trying to get someone else to do the job for her. After all, she did the screening process herself. She deserved some help, right? However, when she asked, Xorn suddenly forgot how to speak English, Hank was stricken with a severe shedding problem, Logan needed to escape to the forest to find himself, and Emma broke into a thirty minute rant on how she hadn't been bred to be a babysitter. Even Scott, the great leader himself, had conveniently gotten a sore throat at the last minute. With Xavier confined to his bed after the injuries he'd received, Jean was stuck with the job.  
  
As Jean passed by the kitchen on her way out, certain suspicions of hers were confirmed. Xorn and Logan sat discussing the finer points of The Matrix, complete with Xorn making fun of Keanu's grasp of the English language. Hank was combing his mane while eating Cheerios and Emma was taking a swig of whiskey while watching Jerry Springer. Scott, meanwhile, was listening to his new Incubus CD and singing the song Echo at the top of his lungs while the rest of them would occasionally cheer him on.  
  
"TRAITORS!" Jean screamed telepathically. She was returned by dulled "ow's" as the deserters all began to experience intense headaches.  
  
Regaining her composure, Jean walked into the auditorium where the prospective students had gathered.  
  
"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Xavier Institute for Gifted Youngsters. My name is Jean Grey, headmistress of the Institute. Among thousands of entries, you are the lucky few who have been offered a place at our fine school. At this point, you will have a sudden desire to exit your seats in an orderly fashion and head for the exits."  
  
At this, the people in the back of the auditorium stood and lined up at the rear doors, with the next row following suit. Everyone looked quite confused.  
  
"Don't be alarmed, I am merely guiding you telepathically to make this tour go as smoothly as possible. Also, you need not worry about non- consensual telepathic intrusions as members of the student body here should you decide to attend. I assure you that this is simply my way of making sure no one trips over themselves as they try to exit the aisles."  
  
This was met with mild laughter, and Jean was happy that none of the students seemed to feel violated by her abilities at all. This was one of the reasons she enjoyed working with other mutants, they always seemed more tolerant than ordinary humans.  
  
Once all the prospective students were assembled properly, Jean led them outside to the beautiful splendor of the Xavier grounds. The tour had begun, and Jean was finally feeling good about having to give this tour.  
  
Little did she know that a certain malcontented fly-girl and a group of Emma-impersonating quintuplets would soon have her wishing she could have let the school get annihilated when she had the chance.  
  
  
  
  
  
Coming soon! The Stepford Cuckoos and Angel, along with a plethora of other weird characters descend upon the tour! Prepare for chaos… 


	2. The Fuse is Lit

I don't own New X-Men. I do own a rather sick mind though. Have fun.  
  
"Hey, Roy!" shouted Sal. "Order up!"  
  
Roy gawked at the stack of pizzas in front of him. There had to be at least two dozen of them on the counter. "Damn Sal, this is enough to feed the whole city! Where all do I have to go?"  
  
"Just one place."  
  
"Just one?" exclaimed Roy. "You kidding me? Who the hell could need thirty pizzas?"  
  
"The Xavier Institute," replied his manager with a smirk.  
  
Roy turned white.  
  
If we had an opening sequence, it'd go here.  
  
Xavier School Insanity  
  
Chapter 2: The Fuse is Lit  
  
"Life sucks," muttered Roy as he drove through the sleepy town of Salem. His Volkswagen Beetle was filled to the brim with pizza, and even worse he now had to visit "freak" university. Sure, he never had a problem driving past there before, but that was before that bald headmaster of theirs came out on television and revealed that there was a whole school for mutants on those grounds. To make things worse, the school had gone from catering to at most a dozen adult students at a time to taking in hundreds of little mutant kids who hardly had a handle on what they could do. For all he knew, the town could be ground zero for some punk with radioactive sweat or something.  
  
Then again, he heard they gave good tips.  
  
As Roy pulled up to the gates, he noticed that the majority of the driveway was packed. Then he noted the "tours" sign. "Great," he muttered. "More freaks."  
  
Roy got out of his car and rang the bell at the gate. "Hello?" came a teenaged voice.  
  
"Uh, yeah it's the pizza guy."  
  
"Pizza?"  
  
"Yeah, pizza. You ordered 30 pizzas."  
  
"We didn… hey what are you… ahh!"  
  
Roy was treated to a slight scuffle.  
  
"Yeah we ordered pizza, we'll be right out," said a new female voice. In fact, it seemed almost to have an echo.  
  
The front door of the mansion opened, and out walked a pale young girl with bleached blond hair. And then another. Three more followed. They were identical, from the sweatshirt/mini-skirt outfits they were wearing to their cold, pupil-less eyes. They walked, in step with each other, to a slightly weirded out Roy.  
  
"Thank you for the pizza," they spoke, simultaneously. "Here is your money, you may leave now."  
  
"Uh, thanks…" said Roy.  
  
Roy turned to leave, but upon counting the bills turned around with a start. "Hey you cheapskates, where's my tip?! I must have driven fifteen miles to get all the way out here!"  
  
The Stepford Cuckoos, as the girls were affectionately called, turned around, prepared to use their telepathic skill to make Roy think he'd just been given both a $20 tip and some rather demeaning sexual favors. Luckily (or unluckily, depending on how deep they were willing to drill into his psyche) for Roy, Beak stepped out of the mansion.  
  
"Hey, why didn't you tell me you were ordering pizza, and why the hell did you smack me on the head back there?!" he shouted at the girls.  
  
However, Roy didn't hear any of that. All he saw was a five foot tall baby bird-looking thing yelling stuff. Had he known the boy's nickname, he would agree that the name "Beak" was quite appropriate. Well, that coupled with something other than a feeling of extreme fright would have helped.  
  
"Screw it, never mind! Just take your pizzas and let me the hell out of here!" screamed Roy.  
  
Roy unloaded his pizzas on the driveway and hopped into his car. His Beetle peeled out of the driveway at top speed.  
  
The Cuckoos' eyes regained their pupils, allowing them to speak individually.  
  
"Barnell, ruined our fun!" snapped Esma, the most "individual" of the quints.  
  
"Damn, why do people always do that when they see me," sighed Beak. "Oh well, give me a slice will ya?"  
  
The pupils immediately disappeared again.  
  
"OURS!" they growled, grabbing six pizzas each and running out onto the grounds.  
  
Beak thought it was a little strange that they'd be so infatuated with pizza. He'd assumed they were from a more distinguished background than he'd ever know. However, the smell of the pizzas was intoxicating, and Beak hadn't eaten all day.  
  
"Hey, no fair! Didn't living in five bodies at once teach you to share?!" Beak shouted as he chased after them. 


End file.
